a friend once told me that it takes 21 days to get over anything... once the 21 days is up, everything gets much easier...

it's been 26 days... yet i've still not accepted it totally...

i'm just tired of being upset and tired of thinking about it...

perhaps it's juz me... i still blame you for what has happened although i know it's unfair since it always takes two hands to clap...

u know right from the beginning, i told u i didn't want to end up like another pair of friends we had... why start when u know the end??? a tragedy in the making... yet you persisted... u tell me to use logic instead of emotions... then why didn't you right from the start??? use your logic and not continue this no matter how much u like me? isn't tt the right thing to do? and isn't tt wat u've been advising me to do? y did u succumb to emotions and continue to like me???

i've put up so many guards against you... i was fond of you right from the start but i didn't like u anymore than a friend... i told u my heart was fragile... i told you not to break it... i told you of my devotion to any relationship... i told you i didn't want to be in put in a certain position...

i tried to put a distance in between... do u have any idea how hard it was for me??? how tiring to keep resisting when u were so nice to me and making me fall for u?i never shld have gave in...at least now we would still be friends...

although i knew of the religion issue right from the beginning, i nv knew tt it mattered so much to u... u never mentioned it... i kept trying to get an answer from you but it never came... and when it did, it was too late.. i had fallen...

i never thought i would have to be in a relationship tt would have to be a secret...i hated it...through and through... i nv asked to be in this relationship... i couldn't meet or call u freely... couldn't tell my parents and family bout it... had to keep quiet or walk away when u were on the phone.. having to come up with different excuses and lies to go out with u... avoiding ur family... i hated it!!! what was i? an object without feelings???

knowing it was wrong, and against ur religion, why did u still do it? y did u make me fall for u??? make me so dependent on u? make me love u so much???? y do this to me??? i had totally let my guard down and opened my heart to u... we grew so close i really thought i had found the one for me... why let it go so far?????????

and then as though it suddenly dawned upon u, u started to think what if i never became a christian? you would never accept me if i was not a christian... u would be yoked together with a non believer, u would upset your mum, upset god, you would have sinned... u said what if i found that christianity wasn't for me and the breakup comes much later, i would hv wasted so much of my time and it would be so much harder...

but haven't u ever thought right from the start it wasn't about me becoming a christian or not... it was u accepting and liking me for who i am... you shld hv introduced me to god and see how things went before deciding to like me further... not make me fall in love and tell me tt i hv to be a christian for things to work out... how can i not feel cheated??? i never asked to be in this relationship in the first place... but suddenly i have the whole load of stress upon my shoulders tt this could all end if i nv converted... do u have any idea how i felt???

for u, god is the only constant thing tt exists. u know he's there for you no matter wat.. but have u thought bout me??? wat do i have? i only have my family, friends and u... how could u expect me to receive what you could receive from god when i had just started... u told me to pray to god, to talk to him cos he understands, that god has a plan, everything happens for a reason... do u have any idea how hard it is for me to comprehend??? i may have god but i dun feel like i do... at least not now.. yet u were constantly telling me to believe in him... i couldn't comprehend what u were saying... i only knew what i was feeling... saddened that u didn't understand...

and then, u dealt the final blow... you didn't even give me a chance to talk bout it... it seems like i never had a say in anything... did i??? i can never forget tt day... even 26 days on, the scene is still so fresh in my mind... how could u hurt me like tt??? u were so cruel and mean.. i went through so much to be w u... didn't i deserve a better explanation??? u said u didn't mean to devastate me so much... u seem to don't know a lot...

i hv never in my entire life cried so hard...

u told me it would be painful but u would walk me through it... i thought u would... i called u to tell u how much i missed u and how i still hurt... u told me to use logic instead of emotions... u stabbed me in the heart again tt night... i tot u of all pple would understand... tt night i swore to myself never to call you again, to never let u see the vulnerable me again...

after all we've been through, u actually expect me to treat u like just a friend overnight? how could i? i'm not unfeeling... we were so close... i've given u so much... and it all ends in one night and a night where i wasn't even given a chance to say anything? do u expect me to accept it??

i'm upset with myself for missing you and loving u so much cos part of me thinks that u do not deserve my love for what u did to me... no one has hurt me the way u did and no amount of what u do can correct it... i dun tink it's even possible if i were to convert one day to be w u again...

i trusted in u... i really gave my all... i loved u with all my heart... i trusted tt u wouldn't hurt me... but u did in the end...

a tragedy in the making... exactly wat i forseen right from the start...

maybe i'm just upset with myself for being in a position i knew was gg to happen...i hate myself sometimes... for always being a failure in my love life...

who doesn't want to be love and be loved? but i never wanted to be in a relationship tt had to be kept a secret...

i just think u were insensitive and immature... and you kept saying u were thinking for me... have u????

i just dun want to care anymore. i want to move on. i want to forget u. i want to forget this relationship. i just want to stop loving you!!!!

i told myself i can't cry over u anymore but i still fail... i cry everything i tink about u... and it's making me go insane...

i wish i can hate u more so i'll be able to let go easier... u said this was better for us both... but it seems now tt things are worse than before... but u'll prob never know what i'm gg thru cos i swore i'll never tell u again...

i wish i would get into an accident and forget about u totally. that the past one year plus with memories of u will be erased permanently from my mind... i dun wanna remember anything... i dun wanna remember even the happy memories...

i feel so tormented... i thought i had gotten over it but in reality i've juz numbed myself and not tink about it.. but it's still there... still hurting so bad...

i guess i love u more than i thought i did and u loved me less than i thought u did...